História Daddy Issues - English Version - Problems

"Go ahead and cry, little girl
Nobody does it like you do
I know how much it matters to you
I know that you got daddy issues"
 
- Daddy Issues, The Neighbourhood.
 

When you look at me and ask about what I'm thinking, with the cigarette between the fingers, I can't tell you. And then I ask you, "what are you thinking about, KyungHee?".

So I'll let you tell me about what are you thinking because your thoughts always look like sunshines, warming my heart that one day was frozen by horrible words and slaps.

Because the truth is that it's still kind of complicated to say that everythings is empty as always. And that my head keeps thinking about what he does and what it has made me.

You told me to forget, I know. But is hard for me to enter in that house everyday, listen to the same things and feel the same hate. And that's why I run to your arms and sink into it. That I let this smoke invade my lungs, gradually killing me.

I know that I'm ending myself slowly and sinking more and more into this unknown and empty immensity without knowing how to swim.

Maybe just waiting to completely disappear.

But you know, KyungHee, I keep thinking, while I play with your hair and blow away that nicotine cloud, that it would be selfish to go and let you here all alone. On the other side, I wonder if it's better for you to stay away from the "trouble girl". Go to a nice college, meet someone more focused and less paranoid. That can offer you a better life. That doesn't leave cigarette smell on your clothes, avoiding bad looks from your parents. That doesn't give you any reason to argue with them. Someone good enough to make you happy and don't worry you by calling at 3am asking to sleep on your garage because of the red-stained face for "being wrong".

Although you say that you want this pain to vanish in another way - and it even vanishes when I get soaked in your sweet smell and feel your soft lips, but it's temporary - I can't see another one that can make it vanish completely.

And I think that no matter how the purples go away and the wounds heal, I'm marked on the inside forever. I should stay and fight for us, face him and say everything that is stuck on my throat. The problem is, I've always been a coward.

And when you say we should put into practice that plan to run away, I feel that I would be stealing your future. It would be so unfair for you to pay for someone else's mistakes and not be able to live with dignity.

So that's why I can't see another way. Maybe love can't save what was already broken into tiny pieces as I see myself now.

And it's also why I ask you about what you're thinking instead of telling what's going on in my messy head. Because it will always be better to listen to your calm and tender voice one more time, than remember the problems I have with my father.