História For You. - My little bit of heaven.

You know when you have that little bit of heaven, paradise, whatever, when you’re so happy you could scream for the whole wide world to hear? You’re happy like you’ve never been before and it’s scary and excited at the same time and when that happens you pray all your gods to never end cause you’ve never been this happy before and you know that if this goes away you’ll probably never feel that way again - but it eventually ends. it eventually finds it’s way to break you.

That’s what i felt in my third week dating him. It was a couple of rough days and i just wanted to see him and feel better. We saw eachother the whole weekend and the week after. He held me in his arms and cuddled me and dried my tears and i was feeling loved. So, so, so loved. He was there for me. After so long looking, i finally got it. That’s all i needed, someone who could hold me in my darkest days and stay when all i wanted was to disappear and kill myself.

Then, the next day was the day… he came to my place and everything felt right, perfect, yk? Nothing could ruin that moment - us. We stayed in bed all day “watching” friends and trying not to do anything - it was useless cause we couldn’t keep our hands from eachother. I thought that that would last forever. It never crossed my mind he didn’t wanted me anymore. Like, in that moment he was already thinking of breaking up with me. That same moment i thought it was heaven.

When he did broke up with me, i felt empty. Much more than i felt before starting dating him. It was not just, like, that i missed him, or his kisses, or the way he used to look at me. It felt like he took a part of me with him. And i fell. I fell in love with him. I never thought i could, but i fell in love with him. My friends think i don’t love him, that he was just a rebound, but the fact is that I do love him.

You know when i said that all love is different? I don’t love him the way i loved her, or my other exes. I think with him is more personal, idk.

Anyway, i fantasized about our relationship a lot. I shouldn’t have. But, like, a week after we started dating my friend asked me if i could see myself marrying him, and i didn’t even thought about that until she mentioned it. But then i started thinking. I started to dream about it. I only did that once in my life, with her. I should’ve known it wouldn’t work out. Like Lorde says, i’m a liability, too much for anyone. He didn’t say that in that words but the way he broke up with me… that’s what made me feel like.

So, now… i think i understand what my former friend said to me once. She said that love is overrated. That romantic love didn’t exist. It fucks you up bad. That’s all it does, and idk, maybe i’m not made for this. Maybe love is for the people who really deserve the feeling. I sure don’t. And i’ll stop looking.