História I don't know - Capítulo Único

Everyday I think on how it'd be amazing to have no feelings and be apathetic to what everyone thinks about me, but those thought just remember me that I do care about what they think.

Then they come.

The monsters in my head, Depression and his cousin Anxiety.

They start talking to me, they say I shouldn't be anywhere, telling me just my presence annoy people and make them want to kill me and when I talk to them that will intensifies. They say everyone hates me and no one will ever love me, so I believe them, not because they sound convincing,neither because I like them(fuck no), but because despite everyone else doing the opposite, they were always there for me, even if small in the beginning. I believe them and when someone tries to tell me the other way around I simply can't believe, I refuse to believe.

That's Why I lose so many people, that's why I only have them.

While I refuse to believe I just hope someone endure my negation just enough so that I believe them. Just enough so that I can love them.

I've been alone my whole life and in the darkest hours of the night, when I'm all alone awaken by the sounds in my head, when no one can answer my texts (nor want to), I realise that a lot more than I wanted to, a lot more than I can endure.

I don't know how to go on, I don't know how to be okay anymore even though I say I'm always fine, even though I smile all the time.

As I write this words I just can't stop thinking they won't please whoever is reading this, I can just imagine how pathetic you think I am and you're wrong because I'm actually a lot of times more than you can imagine.

I can just imagine how to do this, how to go on.